Three Steps to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy
Three Steps to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy
March 14, 2023
By Stef Ziegler
Do you constantly put yourself down? Maybe you tell yourself you’re not good enough, smart enough, or wealthy enough? OR you’re too fat, skinny, awkward, or aggressive? Does this sound like your inner monologue? If so, you may have a habit of beating yourself up.
We all do this from time to time — and it can be truly damaging. Becoming your own worst enemy is a slippery slope that leads to self-doubt, shame, and anxiety. But it doesn’t have to stay like this. Mental fitness can help us break the self-sabotaging dialogue that we’ve grown so accustomed to.
Here are three ways to stop being your own worst enemy.
1. Identify negative thought patterns
Did you know that you have on average 70,000 thoughts in a day? That’s a lot of brain power. How many of your thoughts fall into the negative bucket? In order to stop being your own worst enemy, you must start by becoming aware that you are having a negative thought. You can do this by simply naming the thought and labeling it as “Inner Critic.” You don’t have to take action (yet). Just start by dedicating three days to the practice of labeling a negative thought every time you notice yourself having one. Do this without judging yourself for having these thoughts (and therefore kicking off a whole new cycle of negative thoughts). Noticing this pattern is the first step to breaking it.
2. Notice the thought and let it dissipate
Once you’ve gotten the hang of noticing negative thoughts and labeling them as ‘Inner Critic,’ give yourself permission to spend a moment following the thought. Notice what feelings it triggers. Notice any other thoughts it triggers. Continue to name each new thought as “Inner Critic” and allow the feelings to come and go—like leaves floating down a stream past you as you watch from the riverbank.
If you notice yourself getting wrapped up in a negative thought, take a breath, and return to the noticing/labeling practice (from step 1). Picture yourself returning to the riverbank and observing the leaves on the stream (instead of being dragged down the river as if you yourself were a leaf!). Yes, this may be challenging at first. You may notice you’re having many more negative thoughts than you originally believed you had. That’s ok. Just keep practicing.
3. Focus on Self Love
As your negative thoughts drift away through these exercises, it’s time to start cultivating self-love. Self-love starts with compassion toward yourself. Compassion is defined as concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others combined with the desire to alleviate them. When we talk about self-compassion, this outward lens turns inwards.
You can cultivate self-love by nurturing and speaking kindly to yourself. A simple way to start is to write down five things you appreciate and love about yourself. Do this every day for a week. Allow yourself to read these statements out loud and feel them. How does it feel to say nice things to yourself? What is the difference you’re noticing between how this feels vs the voice of your inner critic?
If you’re ready to take your self-love practice deeper, try any (or all) of these suggestions:
Acknowledge your mistakes without berating yourself for them
Prioritize self-care
Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself
Focus on positive affirmations
Set gentler, more realistic goals for yourself—ideally ones that focus on growth rather than on perfection
All of these steps will help you create a more positive relationship with yourself.
It is much easier to be our own worst enemy and get caught in the spiral of negative self-talk than it is to be kind to ourselves. Negativity bias, which is the brain’s emotional response to feeling negative events more amplified than positive ones, can play a huge role in this. Taking small incremental steps towards identifying negative thought patterns, focusing on self-love practices, and practicing mental fitness techniques are the key to making peace with yourself—so you can go from ‘worst enemy’ to ‘best friend.’
