Five Signs You Should End Your Relationship
Five Signs You Should End Your Relationship
Feb 23, 2023
By Stef Ziegler
One of the most challenging things about romantic relationships is knowing when to call it quits. Ending a relationship sucks. It can trigger feelings of anxiety, fear, guilt, deep sadness, and much more.
In my twenties, I was in a relationship that ultimately ended. It was the right thing. But at the time, I was tortured by the uncertainty of when to end my relationship. I kept holding out hope that my partner would change. That it could work out. That the ‘something missing’ was just made up in my head. After all, on paper, I should want to marry this guy.
Instead of paying attention to these thoughts (and the feelings they triggered in my body), I got engaged. Huge mistake. My mind—and especially my body—continued to torment me with doubt and anxiety, until four months before our wedding day, I finally stopped fighting my own intuition and found the courage to break things off.
Having learned the signs of ‘holding on too long’ the hard way, I’m sharing my list of the five you should NOT ignore. These are hard truths that you may not want to hear. But trust me, you need to hear them. My hope is that they’ll save you from some (or all) of the pain that I went through and open the door for a love match that lasts.
Five signs you should end your relationship:
1. They don't get YOU.
When you’re stressed, sad, angry, or just going through the highs and lows in life, does this person get you? And I mean truly get you—from a place of understanding your soul, your intentions, how you cope and deal, and celebrate all the things in life?
If it feels like you aren't seen by them and they aren't fully present with you, this is not your person. Sure, they can ‘work on it,’ but it shouldn't be a struggle. If they don't appreciate you for who you are at this moment—run, don't walk, away.
2. They have different values than you.
This one is a hard pill to swallow. Our values are ingrained in us. They are the beliefs that motivate us and guide our decisions throughout life. Examples of values are honesty, integrity, courage, achievement, community, etc.
If you don't have the same or similar values as your partner, it will make your relationship challenging and full of friction. After all, a long-term relationship isn’t just about the passion or the romance—it’s about the day-to-day decisions (big and small) that you make throughout life. Do you want to spend every one of those moments at odds with your partner about what’s important? Of course not.
So if your partner's values are super misaligned with yours, that’s a strong sign you should part ways.
3. You have serious doubts about this person
I’m not talking about those occasional doubts that every human has when they’re in the ‘getting-to-know-each-other’ stages. I’m talking about the kind of doubts that persist; that gnaw at your insides, no matter what you do to settle them down. I’m talking about deep-rooted doubt—the kind that lives in your gut.
If you’re not a ‘trust your gut’ type of person, this one can be tricky. My advice here is to try and turn the volume down on your ‘thinking brain’ for a minute and turning it up on the feeling, intuitive part that’s trying to get your attention.
What is the energy you feel when around this person? Do they lift you up or drain you? Do you feel seen and appreciated? Can you fully be yourself or do you have to mold yourself into someone different to keep the spark alive?
Be honest about your answers to these questions. When you connect with a deeper sense of yourself you'll be able to sift through the mind chatter that can sometimes rationalize incompatibility. Your gut KNOWS, even if your brain
4. You feel like you're speaking two different languages
A healthy relationship requires healthy communication. That means deep and empathetic listening, knowing how to argue in a healthy way, and ultimately, how to work through differences without attacking your partner (or betraying your self).
If you can’t talk about ‘the hard things,’ don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable or sense that your partner won’t get vulnerable with you, you’ve got your work cut out for you. Yes, couples can work on improving their communication (if they’re both willing to do the work—and they actually do it). But if communication is a minefield early in the relationship and you or your partner aren’t willing to fix this piece fast, it’s time to call it.
5. It's not a FUCK YEAH!
Let me be blunt here: there should be no uncertainty when it comes to a life-long commitment. Which is why I’m a firm believer in this simple principle: if it's not a fuck yeah, it’s a NO.
Marriage is not a decision that should be taken lightly. This is one of the most important decisions of your life. It will impact everything. And I mean everything: your mental, emotional and physical wellbeing, your family, your friendships, your finances, your daily level of joy (or lack thereof)… so yeah, EVERYTHING.
If you're even vaguely aware of the possibility that you might be ‘settling’ or you think ‘they’ll change; if you’re ignorning what your gut is telling you, because on paper, it looks ‘perfect’ or because ‘you’ve reached that age’ or you’re the one remaining person in your friend group who hasn’t walked down the aisle… STOP. Stop trying to convince yourself that it will get better, that they'll change, that you'll be happier ‘once that ring is on your finger’… just stop.
You can do better.
You deserve better.
So, please—be brave, don't settle, and remember- if it's not a fuck ya, it's a no.
