Want the Recipe for Living Your Best Life? All You Need is These Two Ingredients
Want the Recipe for Living Your Best Life? All You Need is These Two Ingredients
April 26, 2023
By Marta Kagan
I’m a big fan of self-improvement. My nightstand is piled high with books about human performance, neurobiology, mindfulness, healthy habits, and I spend hours each day seeking out (and sharing) the latest research and the best advice about improving my mental health, my business, my relationships, and the quality of my life.
Every week, I cohost a podcast where we interview people who’ve overcome a hardship—from losing their vision, to dealing with infertility, to overcoming addiction—and everything in between. Once a month, we share our favorite mental health hacks and answer listener questions. All in service of helping humans THRIVE.
I’ve dedicated this chapter of my life to unearthing the secret to human flourishing. And from all of this research and exploration, I’ve realized that virtually everything I’ve read and heard points me to the same two things.
TWO THINGS. Just two.
Two essential ingredients to the recipe for navigating life’s endless challenges, and not just surviving them—but thriving in spite of them.
And today, I’m going to share them with you.
The Two Essential Ingredients to Human Flourishing
Let me start by acknowledging the elephants in the room:
I’m oversimplifying things a bit. (You’re welcome.)
I’ve never walked in your shoes or felt your pain, and I don’t presume to understand how YOUR brain works.
That said, I hope you’ll read this with an open mind; a beginner’s mind, even.
Because there’s a big difference between hearing something and knowing it; between knowing something and doing it; and between doing something (once or even a few times) and making it a habit or lifestyle.
More than anything, I hope you’ll consider how you might apply the two essential ingredients I’ll share to your unique circumstances.
Okay then. Without further ado, the two essential ingredients to human flourishing are:
#1 - Perspective
#2 - Action
Perspective is how you look at or perceive something.
Action is what you do (or don’t do) about it.
These are the POWER TOOLS of mental fitness; the two things without which you’ll stay stuck, frustrated, hurt, scared, unhappy—essentially spinning your wheels.
It’s impossible to truly recover from hardship without them. And it’s infinitely easier to bounce back when you lean into them.
Perspective matters.
Here is a short list of some of the challenges life has thrown me (so far):
getting dumped on my birthday
being laid off
getting divorced
having a miscarriage
losing a friend to suicide
recovering from alcohol addiction
becoming estranged from my parents
When I was younger, (before any of the things on this list had happened), my mom used to tell me, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I hated that expression. It seemed to suggest that pain and suffering were somehow ‘good’ for me. Like eating kale or doing pushups.
No thanks, mom! I’d prefer to stay soft, safe and squishy! Now pass the Cheetos, please!
As an adult, I no longer ‘hate’ this expression, but I don’t fully agree with it either. Hardships that don’t kill you canmake you stronger. But they can also cripple you. Or at least shrink you (on the inside). And it’s not the hardship itself that determines the outcome.
It’s how you process it.
This is where perspective is key (essential ingredient #1). Perspective is the way you see the world, yourself, and those around you.
That may seem obvious, but here’s the part that isn’t: Perspective is largely unconscious, relatively limited, and temporary. The way you see something, in other words, is shaped by your culture, your life experience, your upbringing, your temperament… and it can change.
When you’re in the throes of grief, loss, anger, or other painful emotions, your perspective is understandably myopic. You’ve got your metaphorical blinders on. All you can see in that moment is the pain.
At some point in the future, you’ll be able to step back a little. Or step to the side. Or climb on a chair and look down at the situation. Or get underneath if and view it from below.
Each of these attempts to get a different perspective on a situation gives you a more complete view of it. Instead of seeing only the pain, you might start to see the blessing. You might recognize that this particular hardship pushed you to grow in ways you’d never imagined or to lean on people you didn’t realize cared about you so deeply. You might develop a new skill, gain a new friend, become familiar with a new place or culture. Instead of seeing just trauma, you might be able to see traumatic growth.
Recently, I posted an image on Instagram that was a lightning rod for this ‘essential ingredient’. The image read: “What if all the shitty things you endured this week weren’t happening TO you, but were actually happening FOR you?”
Some of the comments overflowed with gratitude:
Others with disdain or outright anger:
And I get it. If you had told me that having a miscarriage or losing a friend to suicide was happening ‘FOR me,’ I would have punched you in the face.
But with time and the desire to learn and grow from these losses, I expanded my perspective. I was able to recognize that despite the pain, I’d also gained some things: compassion; a deeper bond with my partner and friends; new tools for navigating grief; a deeper sense of gratitude and acceptance.
And these are no small things.
As the Dalai Lama once said, “Perspective is nothing less than the skull key that opens all the locks that imprison our happiness.” So take a step back, forward or to the side—and take another look. Do this again and again.
In fact, try the Silver-Lining Exercise (from Positive Psychology):
Think of something bad that happened in the past and then make a list of all the good that came out of it.
Action empowers.
“When you’re going through hell, keep going.”
—Winston Churchill
Our culture rewards action. We love our ‘Action Heroes’ and our clever phrases like Just Do It and Make Shit Happen.
But when life serves you a steaming hot shit sandwich, the last thing you want to do is take a bite.
It is especially hard to ‘take action’ when your nervous system is being flooded with stress hormones, your heart is racing, and your mind is a blinking neon sign that reads, “I JUST CAN’T!”
In these moments, the best ‘action’ you can take is to breathe. Just breathe. Slowly. Intentionally. You can try one of these calming breathing exercises or try one of the nine self-soothing techniques detailed in this free guide.
Once you’ve shifted out of fight-or-flight mode, you can think again. You can CHOOSE what to do—or what NOT to do. And—good news!—you don’t have to be an Action Hero to take the reins of your life. In fact, essential ingredient #2 is far, far simpler than that.
Here’s what I mean.
Instead of trying to map out a plan for ‘changing your life’ or solving THE WHOLE problem (like an action hero would), ask yourself: What is something I can do to make this situation 1% better?
That’s it. Just ONE PERCENT.
Make ‘1% better’ a daily practice. Not just when you’re facing hardship, but even when life seems to be going your way.
One percent is almost always doable. It doesn’t require you to be super-brave, super-strong, or super-focused. And yet, it’s empowering anyway.
You can strive for ‘1% better’ even when perspective is unavailable to you. You can be 1% kinder or 1% more patient. You can just try to get 1% more sleep.
And while 1% doesn’t seem like much, it adds up—and compounds—when you do it consistently. It builds new neural pathways, not just for the action that you take, but for the ability to take action, under any and all circumstances, on your own behalf.
So that’s it. Your two essential ingredients: perspective and action.
So simple and yet so powerful.
I hope you’ll sprinkle them into your life’s recipe—generously!
